The Date
by Pineapple1
Summary: Catcher In The Rye' set during the book, except it is what Holden would be thinking and feeling if he had made a date with Jane. Told from Holden's point of view. PG for language. NEW! Holden's guide to phonies!
1. Default Chapter

I had to write this for English a while ago, but it occurred to me that I could probably put it up here too.  
  
Anyway it's set during the book, except that Holden actually had the courage to phone 'Old Jane' and ask her out. So these are his thoughts on the way to meet her.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own a single thing, not the book and not the characters, so don't sue!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
It was cold as hell and I kept seeing my goddam breath dancing around in front of me. The whole street looked like something from a corny Christmas card, there was snow everywhere, there were even icicles hanging down from rooftops that were nearly as long as butchers knives, I swear to God that's how long they were. Everyone I passed on the street had their shoulders rounded over to keep warm, they should've been in a goddam movie short - it wasn't that cold, still it wasn't exactly warm either, I had my hound's-tooth jacket on and all, but I was still cold. I'd even pulled down my stupid ear flaps on my red hunting hat to keep warm, but I'd rather die than look like some of the phonies walking around New York pretending to be extra cold, they were only doing it so they blended in with everyone else. Normally it kills me to see people acting like sheep but I was too goddam nervous about meeting up with Jane to pay them too much notice.  
  
Thinking about Jane reminded me about that crazy sonuvabitch, Stradlater, I couldn't help it but I kept wondering if he really had got to first base with her. No. Jane wouldn't of let him get that far, she wasn't a moron. I didn't even know why I kept thinking about it, I just know that it made me as mad as hell if I did think of them together in Ed Banky's car. Just then this poor bastard in front of me slipped on some ice and fell over, he damn near tripped me over as well, but what he did next you won't believe, he just lay there laughing his head off like falling over was the funniest thing in the world. People just looked at him like they'd never do something that stupid if they were drunk, that really annoyed me; everyone thought they were so goddam brilliant and that they'd never do something like that. It just proved what a bunch of phonies they all were. The madman on the floor wasn't that old probably a few years older than me, he was kind of lanky and had loads of pimples on his head; he wasn't very good looking either. He sort of reminded me of Ackley. He had that annoying look about him and I sort of felt sorry for him. He obviously had nowhere else to be so he went and got drunk. Just then I realised I'd been staring at him for quite a while, so I quickly helped the poor bastard pull himself up using a lamp post and hurried away before he could start telling me his goddam life story.  
  
It was a long walk to where I was supposed to be meeting old Jane but I didn't care too much, I just wanted to know which crumby sonuvabitch from Pencey stole my gloves, my goddam hands were going numb and they were starting to tingle like hell. Jane had wanted to meet by the old theatre near 42nd Street, which was about another ten blocks away. Boy, thinking about Jane reminded me of all the times we'd been to see movies together, don't ask me how but they all seemed less corny with Jane there, then I started thinking about all the times we'd played checkers on her porch it used to damn near knock me out when she'd leave all her kings on the back row. It really did. She had one of the most terrific smiles I've ever seen and a great sense of humour, not that she used it often, probably because of that crumby bastard her mum was shacked up with. I remember yesterday clear as anything, I was walking down the road and I saw a phone box, before I knew what was happening old Jane was answering my call 'Oh, hi' I'd said all suave like. You know what she said? 'Who the hell is this?'  
  
'Its Holden, Holden Caulfield'  
  
'Sorry I don't know anyone with that name' She'd said, I'll admit I'm not so hot at remembering people sometimes but I wouldn't have forgotten someone I'd spent a whole goddam summer with.  
  
Anyway I decided to refresh her memory 'Sure you do, we played checkers and went to the movies one summer'  
  
'Holden? Geez is that really you? Where are you? How'd you know I was at Shipley?' It was like twenty questions or something. That sonuvabitch, Stradlater had obviously not told her about me, but I wasn't too mad though, I'd guessed he wouldn't have. 'Me, I'm up in New York'  
  
'Lucky thing, Shipley doesn't finish till tomorrow' She was getting all friendly now.  
  
'Yeah I know, but I went to Pencey'  
  
'Really? I don't remember seeing you around there'  
  
'I wasn't there long, but I roomed with Ward Stradlater' I'd said carefree like.  
  
'Oh, him' Was all she'd said. Damn I'd wanted a little more than that.  
  
'Whaddya mean? I thought you guys went on a date the other night'  
  
'Yeah, we did' Boy it was like getting blood out of a stone.  
  
'What happened?' I'd asked casually.  
  
She was silent for ages 'Nothing really, he was acting nice and then he tried to get wise, I told him where to go and left' I'd felt like jumping for joy and punching Stradlater for being such a bastard, all at once. Instead I said 'Sorry to hear'  
  
'Its not your fault he's such a stuck up idiot' The conversation was getting real depressing all of a sudden. 'So how come you're not at Pencey now?' She'd asked after a little while.  
  
'I kind of got kicked out' I'd been all set to tell her what had happened with Stradlater, when I heard noises coming from the other end of the phone 'Damn. I'm really sorry Holden but my roommate just came in - I've gotta go'  
  
'Can we meet up' I'd said it so suddenly it even surprised me. It really did.  
  
'Sure, how 'bout tomorrow night at nine, outside the old theatre by 42nd Street. I'm staying in New York till my Mum is free to drag me back home.'  
  
'Great' Was all I'd said, I guess I was shocked at my own madman idea to meet, but for her to say yes it nearly knocked me out. I swear to God it did. After that she put the phone down leaving me to sit worrying for the next twenty-four hours.  
  
Any way I came to about the tenth goddam crossing on my way to meet old Jane, but while I was standing there, this girl stood next to me and started giving me the eye, I normally would've been flattered but she wasn't exactly pretty, she was quite big and had a big round face, which you could hardly see through all of her crumby makeup, she probably thought she was a movie star or something. 'Hi' she said I tried to pretend I hadn't heard but she was keen, 'Where ya headed?' she asked. Her breath was terrible and so were her teeth, she looked like she'd swallowed a can of yellow paint. That's how bad it was. 'To meet someone' I said desperately trying to hold my breath, I was thankful that the sign indicated "walk" then at least the smell wasn't as bad. 'I'm off to 42nd street - we can walk together if that's where you're goin'' she said. Damn, I hate it when I get stuck like this, I knew that if I opened my mouth I'd only be shooting the crap but I had to get away from her. Luckily I saw an avenue leading off, 'Sorry I'm going this way' I said then damn near ran away from her into the alley. Instead I walked quickly out of sight, then I just stood in the shadows of the alley watching her just stand there, after a while she walked away. I sort of felt bad for what I did but I wanted to be alone when I met Jane, not have some girl I'd just met hanging on my arm. Then my goddam head started to worry again, what if Jane's brought someone with her? We hadn't really said what we were going to do when we met up, she might bring someone because she thought we'd just be horsing around. No. Jane doesn't like horsing around and she said she was arriving in New York today and staying till her mum picked her up, she wouldn't have time to meet some crumby bastard for a date tonight.  
  
I was about a block away and nervous as hell, I was worrying so much it almost hurt, my pace slowed, I don't know why but my goddam legs were having trouble moving. It was real quiet, almost eerily. I hate that. You always see on the goddam movies someone walking down a real quiet street, then out of nowhere they'll be kidnapped or something. Kidnapped? That word always knocks me out. Whenever someone says it I always get this picture of some little kid fast asleep in a real dark room, then someone just takes them and leaves some sort of cryptic note on the door for the parents. So whenever someone talks about an adult, being kidnapped - it kills me. It really does. Only a few people were passing by me now everyone else was probably drinking the night away in some crumby bar, I checked my wristwatch only to find it was gone nine. Damn, what if Jane left? Boy, I must have looked like some kind of madman to any one who saw me, I was trying to run and stop myself from running all at the same time, I damn near fell over and broke my goddam neck twice.  
  
I turned the corner and saw the theatre looming high into the night sky, it gave me the creeps. I looked around to see Jane but all the goddam people seemed to have swarmed to 42nd street, I was standing on my toes and then I saw her. She knocked me out. She really did. She'd changed quite a bit since I'd last seen her but I still recognised her, her hair was a lot longer than when I'd last seen her and she seemed thinner. Old Jane wasn't exactly a pretty girl but she always knocked me out. Suddenly a wave of memories washed over me and I thought I was going to drown, I saw Jane laughing while we were playing golf, I saw her concentrating on a move in checkers and the haunting memory of her crying because of her mum's lousy boyfriend. I risked looking at her again, I swear to god she'd got prettier. She was sort of leaning back on one leg with one arm folded across her stomach and the other hanging by her side. I could just make out her mouth hanging open a little - it was never closed. That had always killed me. Trouble was I didn't want to go over to her and start shooting the old crap, like I normally do, I wanted both of us to talk like we'd never been apart, I'll admit it was probably like asking Stradlater not to go on a date for a whole week. I realised then that old Jane was probably wondering where the hell I was, she'd stepped back into the shadows of the theatre and was faintly silhouetted by the moon. I pulled off my hunting hat and straightened out my crew cut. But I just didn't know whether I should go to her, something was holding me back, don't ask me what. Before I knew what was happening my goddam feet were carrying me towards Jane Gallagher.  
  
The End.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
For anyone taking this book for English, please don't copy this; trust me it's not worth it!!! Please R&R, I really appreciate it!!! 


	2. How To Avoid Goddam Phonies!

**How To Spot A Goddam Phoney!**

**By Holden Caulfield**

**ÒCorny bastards and goddam phonies, theyÕre everywhere!Ó**

****

If you really want to know, I canÕt stand goddam phonies, the thing is they annoy the hell out of me, they really do. TheyÕre all pretending to be something their not. I swear to god I must pass at least five girls a day who are going around with their falsies pointing everywhere. Or youÕll see some crumby bastard obsessing over his hair like heÕs a goddam movie star or something Ð I canÕt stand them! Chances are only two people out of every ten you meet are not phonies. Unfortunately some phonies are hard to spot, it took me years to figure out that this girl I knew, old Sally Hayes, was phoney, I mean she was real smart so it took me a while to see through her. Anyway, IÕve decided to give non-phonies a step-by-step guide to spotting dead corny people or maybe itÕs how to avoid goddam phonies.

**ÒStep-by-step guide to spot a phoney!Ó**

****

**1) **First thing you need to know is how to spot a phoney, then you can avoid them. Most phonies are just trying to impress other people, like this terrific phoney I was forced to listen to chew the fat at Pencey once. You could tell as soon as you saw him what a corny bastard he was, always saying ÒGrandÓ or ÒTerrific boreÓ, the trouble was you could tell he didnÕt mean what he was saying. He also tried to keep making jokes like he was your goddam best friend or something.

**2) **Now you know how they speak when theyÕre around people. The next sign is how they act, which is just as bad; I roomed with this guy Ward Stradlater, he was the biggest bastard I ever met, for reasons that I donÕt give a damn about so much now. Anyway he thought he was godÕs gift to women, he really did. He was always looking at himself in the mirror and would spend hours doing his hair in the can. On the outside he appeared to be really interested in what people were saying, but really he was a moron who just wanted to get to first base with girls. IÕd been on a double date with him once, all goddam night he sweet talked this girl but you could tell he didnÕt mean it. It was all an act. Trouble was she_ believed_ him.

**3) **A ÔclassicÕ sign of a phoney is that they donÕt give everyone the same treatment. I had this headmaster once and heÕd only shake hands and have a conversation with the rich and respectable looking parents, the rest heÕd just brush off quickly like they werenÕt good enough for him to be seen talking with, it annoyed the hell out of me. It really did. 

**4) **Now you know how they speak and act you need to practice spotting them the movies is a good place to do it, everyone in them _is _a phoney, no kidding. Actors are perfect examples, theyÕre all pretending to be something theyÕre not, they think that because theyÕve starred in a show theyÕve got to walk around with a poker up their ass. They are everything everyone wants them to be theyÕre not their own person. Everything about them is fake. So go to the movies, suffer, but youÕll see what IÕm talking about.

**5) **Once youÕve mastered spotting them you need to avoid them, itÕs damn hard too. If you see one in the distance you can easily avoid them by walking away in the other direction or pretending you havenÕt seen them. DonÕt make eye contact because that just gives them an excuse to come up to you and shoot the crap, _for_ever. 

**6) **On the other hand, avoiding people who know you is a lot more difficult, because they will come over and say _ÒHi, its so nice to see you!Ó_ You know that theyÕre lying because youÕre just about as goddam happy to see them as they are you, i.e. not a lot. Trouble is you have to be polite and all. So try not to look at them for as long as possible, then when you answer be all nice but tell the truth, you know when they go on about how great school is and ask you if you enjoy it say _ÒNo, not reallyÓ_ They seem to have trouble taking in other peopleÕs points of view that arenÕt the same as theirs but eventually theyÕll lose interest when they realize you donÕt share theyÕre crumby opinions. 

**ÒI hate it when people say ÔGood luck!Ó**

****

ThatÕs about it really, the rest youÕll pick up as you go along but remember, phonies think theyÕre _normal_. So donÕt tell them otherwise or theyÕll just get sore at you and overreact. They really do. Anyway hereÕs a quick checklist for you:

Do 

Always be on the look out for phonies, they can appear from nowhere.

Ignore potential phonies.

Disagree with anything they say, it keeps them away.

Keep to your own opinions and life rules.

DonÕt 

Make eye contact with potential phonies, it attracts them.

Be rude to them, theyÕll just get sore and overreact in a phoney way.

Go to the movies too often, else youÕll fry your goddam brain.

Say something you donÕt mean, else youÕll become a false bastard like them.

**ThatÕs it, now you can spot and avoid goddam phonies and crumby bastards!**


End file.
